With record breaking heat waves sweeping the globe, everyone without an air conditioner is pretty much screwed. All us cheapskates who live near the beach thought the cool ocean breeze would cool us off, but no. I live half a mile from the coast, so close I can walk, and it's 110 degrees outside. I'm not pointing any fingers, but GLOBAL WARMING! I take some comfort in knowing that somewhere, a glacier is sweating just as much as I am.

So here are a few useful tips to stay alive during these ridiculously sweltering summer days.

Milk products build up mucous in your throat, making everything just a little more uncomfortable. Exceptions to the rule: shredded cheese and sour cream in your Taco Supreme.

I know, spicy hot and hot hot are different, but when your nose is running down your face and your butthole is dribbling more than Kobe, you should stop acting like the big macho hotshot and put down the Source.

This one is obvious, but you can wear the same button up shirt with no undershirt for a few days without sweating through it completely like I have with every tee shirt I've worn since Summer. It breathes, it's light, and can be modified to fit any occasion. It sure looks better than pit stains.

This tip is invaluable. All I've worn inside since the heat really kicked in has been a regular terrycloth bath towel. No underwear. The occasional breeze, non constricting, and absorbent.

Put it on the back of your neck and you're golden until it gets warm again. This works everywhere, so don't be afraid to soak it and twirl it around in the air if you aren't near a freezer.

No need to refill the Windex bottle and give yourself a rash, just pick a small spray bottle up at the local drug store. Set it to mist, and moisturise when needed. It keeps your temperature down, feels fantastic, and keeps sweat down to a minimum.

All homes are different, but in my bedroom I have two sliding windows as part of one big window above my desk. In the side facing the door, I place the fan facing outward, into the courtyard. I then open the other window, the one facing my bed, so the fan sucks the hot air out of the room and pushes the cool air in through the other window. Usually my room stays a constant 55 degrees, a temperature I am most comfortable in. During the summer, when the air outside is usually hotter than the air inside, this method doesn't help though.

As in, more than usual. You don't even need to shampoo each time, but two showers a day will keep you from stinking up the place, cool you down, all on the cheap. A single shower should last only 5 minutes at the most, but the cool down factor lasts a couple of hours.

Hope you find these tips useful. Right now Alex is sweating it out with his Grandparents in the desert (he moves into his new place August 8th), but he's probably fine since nobody in the desert (in their right minds) lives out there without central air. Don't go dying on me!