when i first saw a video for bethesda's massive 360 first person rpg, i was interested. it had fancy swordplay in gorgeous environments and suits of armour... what's not to love? i found out when it arrived via gamefly.

starting up, i'm introduced to a hideously ugly face. this is my character. i guess making him look like he has "down's" is incentive to mess around with their amazingly detailed character creation system. i find that even though it is extensive and the options are endless, every character i make looks like he's staring at his reflection in a "vom" filled toilet after a night of binging on mead. i decide to make him a redguard with a huge supafly fro, and name him "jim beam" after what the local liquor store clerk insists on calling me; except if i were to spell it like he pronounces it in his heavy mexican accent, it would be "jeeng beeng." no matter what i do, this guy just looks terrible, so i decide to cut it short and procede with the story.

patrick stewart is fantastic as the emperor of tamriel, and his voice-acting puts most to shame. i tend to snort and giggle at all this medieval times dialogue, which probably doesn't help mien case, true believers. the beginning of this game is spent in darkness, as i go from a dungeon cell to goblin and rat infested caves, then yeehaw!, the fucking sewers. even though i hate dungeon crawling in my videogames, at the end of my lightless visit in the world below, i realise that it serves as a perfect training ground and place to build my character. before seeing light for the first time since i booted up, i'm given another chance to get everything straightened up, stats-wise. the class building system certainly puts final fantasy to shame. hear that square? ff's not so fucking great! i build my own class, hustler, combining the best traits of theif, spy, and assassin, creating a smoothtalking conman who isn't afraid to get his hands dirty.

i killed a couple of bandits, looted their bodies and campsite, fought a skeleton, forraged for herbs, and stole from the first inn on the road. i pushed my luck, and got caught; paid a fine, got all my stolen shit confiscated, and went into town to do the same damn thing. i got caught once by another innskeeper, and again pick-pocketting an orc and an imperial guard; fought them to my death, stole from copious barrels and crates around town and in the inns, and i even stole from the local church. fuck gta dude, jack thompson should beat his chest over this! i then killed a homeless guy in his sleep, sold some shit, and got caught stealing again in town hall. needless to say, i chose to resist arrest, and in my attempt to run from the authorities, i ran outside. it autosaved with me still wanted by the guardsmen and low on health, and no matter what i did, i was no match for the authorities. it became an endless loop of death. that's when i sighed a reluctant, "fuck it" and sealed it in the gamefly return envelope.

even with the whole "tap A while it boots" thing, i found my entire experience to be filled with loading times, as well as dropping framerate regularly, which for most other games would be the kiss of next gen death; yet oblivion is so engaging, even though it bothered me, i pressed on. i wanted to see what was over the next hill, behind the next door. time flew, and i was having fun.

verdict: 8.7/10; this is easily the most enjoyable rpg on the market. here's hoping mass effect blows it away.